Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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