Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
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Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
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I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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