Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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