Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
