No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
