Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
