It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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