he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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