i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
