I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
