No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
