the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
