i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
