Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
