am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
