Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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