Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
