The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
