Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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