3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
