Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
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So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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