Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
