I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
