I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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