He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
A bitchslap is in order.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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