If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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