I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
