there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
