nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just want to make out with him forever
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
