Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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