id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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