Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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