i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
did you just send me my own nude
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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