I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Randomize
