That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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