Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
