I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
