He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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