Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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