Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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