K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
it hurts more in the daytime
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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