I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
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The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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