just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
