and i looked up. we had an audience...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
