I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm getting married
To pizza
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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