I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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