I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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