the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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