if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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