I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
