Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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