What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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