can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
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The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
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I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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